Transformations

Back in April I blogged about my encounter with Hare. Since then, my life seems to have become a rollercoaster of transformations, one after the other — some small, some large; some short, some still ongoing.

During the weekend immediately following that encounter, Hare appeared twice more — both of others’ doings, not mine. First, in the logo of Lalune, where Andrew and I ate out with friends in Glastonbury on the Saturday night; and then, immediately after the meal — in the window display of The Goddess and Green Man, across the street. Suddenly I seemed hyper-aware of Hare in my life, and the symbolism behind her/him.

Transformation. The Goddess. Creativity. Speed. Awareness.

A number of spiritual experiences have happened to me since, which is one of the reasons I’ve been mostly silent on the blogging front. The first came that very Sunday, following on from all the instances with Hare.

I have been studying in Glastonbury for a Certificate in Holistic Spirituality and Spiritual Companionship with William Bloom. The course comprises of five public weekends followed by five certificating classes limited to those studying the whole course. The April weekend was one of the former, and specifically addressed The Endorphin Effect.

I had been enjoying the workshop and was working through the meditations and exercises with (what I can only describe as) a “challenging ease”. However, I didn’t expect what came out when I worked on one of the questions… It reduced me to tears.

Due to various prior events in my life, I’ve viewed myself as secondary to others. They have always come first, no question. Yes, I believed that I looked after myself in the sense that I could ensure that I could step up to the plate whenever others had need of me — but this was not the same as the realisation that came that weekend.

The realisation that came may seem simple, but to me it challenged a personal world view that I’ve held for a good majority of my life: I matter.

I was crying by the time I worked that out — not just little tears but great big hulking sobs. A friend took me away from the course for a while and held the space with me as I cried. For the first time in my life I realised that I really did matter — that no matter how much I did for others, I was important too. Years and years of thinking that I was unimportant, that I didn’t matter in the slightest, shattered in that moment. As I realised that, I broke down. A lot of grief poured out of me in those tears, along with anger at being caught in that cycle for so long, and a bitter unhappiness that I’d let it happen… It all came out as I cried. But what’s more, an odd mix of excitement and fear also arose — both due to the sudden possibilities available to me, the sudden lack of limits.

This was some kick up the arse for me, to be sure. And since then, I began to assert myself more forcibly. I found myself saying, “No, I can’t do that for you.” I began to delegate. I drastically re-worked my to do list. I began to prioritise time for me, instead of insisting on getting everyone else’s needs out of the way first. I began to work out what I needed, what I wanted, and started taking steps to make those things happen.

For instance, I took a deep breath and did something that I’ve not done for ~12 years, but which I’ve been aching to redo: I auditioned for a play. Okay, so I allowed a bit of typecasting — I went for the role of the Witch in this year’s panto as produced by the local am-dram society — but I went for it. That was the important thing. I did something I wanted to do, and instead of saying that I didn’t have the time or whatever due to X needing this or the fact that I thought I’d do something for Y, I went for it. And what’s more… I got the role. :)

Since then, I’ve been riding this transformation thick and fast. One of the things that has arisen from it all has been my connection to Deity, and I’ve had to severely sit back and take stock. Until recently, I’ve been claimed by two Gods, three Goddesses, and a Santarian Orisha — that’s a lot of work, in terms of tending altars, adhering to holy days, building up a conscious, working, ever-present relationship with Them. And as I considered this, I realised that some of those relationships have served their purpose — that my work with said Deity has been completed. I have passed through the time of my life that They claimed me for…

Some Deities claim you for life. Some claim you for a specific time period, or circumstances. This is, I believe, different to working with a Deity for a prolonged period of time — it’s closer than just a “usual” working relationship. Deeper. And I came to fully understand this recently — along with a deep knowing of Who had claimed me for life, and Who hadn’t.

And so I created ritual, sitting with each Deity in turn, and untangling the knots I’d twisted myself into in order to keep pleasing all of Them at once. As I did so, I got them impression that some of Them were amused by this turn of events — especially Oya, Orisha of change! — and while I felt my heart bleed at times I knew it was the right thing for me to do at this moment. Afterwards, I left offerings to Them, thanking Them for my lessons and Their time with me. It may be that I work with Them again in the future, and that’s fine — but at least the connection will not be as intimate as that demanded when being claimed.

I now find myself, then, claimed by two Deities. And that’s okay. I rather like it. They are, After all, the two I cannot live without: Hekate and Anpu. And later, whilst trancing, I walked with Anpu alongside the Nile. We sat side-by-side and watched the water and sands, my back against His pelt. We sat together and He said not a word — but it was the best comfort I could ask for.

So … Transformations afoot. I’ve been doing a lot of internal work, a lot of thinking and making changes happen. My ritual room has changed again. My spiritual practice has changed too, both due to the need for change and due to the slotting into place of teachings from not only the Certificate in Holistic Spirituality and Spiritual Companionship but also other workshops and opportunities. I feel like a jigsaw puzzle whose pieces didn’t quite fit before, but are slowly locking together now.

It’s not been easy. I’ve cried, I’ve raged, I’ve crawled into a ball beneath my duvet and refused to come out. It’s reminded me, on more than one occasion, of the scene in Practical Magic where Sally takes refuge in her bed after the death of her husband. Andrew, of course, has been a complete star and I am blessed with his presence and love. And while there’s been no physical deaths (thank the Lady and Lord!), there’s been a lot of spiritual death, spiritual rebirthing. But not just that — there’s been times that I could feel the transformations occurring on so many levels… Not just spiritual or emotional or mental, but physically and energetically too.

…And I know it’s not over yet. Onwards, Excelsior!